I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
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A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Beware of the “party goblin”…
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
This will never not be funny 😭
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.