Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
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[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
This why you should mind your business
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
The fall of Netflix
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.