my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
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No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw