my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
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Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old