[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
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Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
can’t catch a break
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.