Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
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Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
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“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade