2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
You Might Also Like
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Had to try this trend 😊
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard