ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
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If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
🤯🤯🤯
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Omg 🤣
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”