When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
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There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”