every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
You Might Also Like
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Best seat on the street 😍
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism