in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
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I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
excuse me
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Velcrow
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.