People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
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hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Happy Halloween 🎃
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*