Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
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Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will