[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
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[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.