Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
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How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
I only look at Wordle for the articles
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise