Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
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[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken