With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
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Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”