[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
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JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
love it when they get my name right
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.