I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
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ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
classic mixup
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*