Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
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you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Oh yeah that’s it
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.