Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
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If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies