[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
You Might Also Like
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Husband of the year 😂
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.