me working on my assignments ^-^
You Might Also Like
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
got so much cardio in today
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.