ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
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Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
saving face 👀
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself