ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
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I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
a fate I wish upon no one
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…