Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
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I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.