[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
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[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
classic mixup
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is