Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
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Stop sending me this shit.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Science memes
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.