I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
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My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.