in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
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The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Hotels are back
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
That was easy.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.