I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
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Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird