do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
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A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
こいつ天才
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Mornin
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses