Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
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Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Had to try this trend 😊
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
honestly, i need both:
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation