me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
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i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
#titanic
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.