My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
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Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?