A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
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On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Smile Twitter, Smile.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
I have questions??
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.