Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
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[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Is this you?
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same