Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
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*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
This forever.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
This is amazing.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Still my favourite meme.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Breaking news:
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter