Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
You Might Also Like
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
japanese corn
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!