[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
You Might Also Like
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
My work here is don’t.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
scrabbled eggs
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.