Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
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That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”