I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
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Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
🤣🤣💀
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)