Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
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I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
life finds a way
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure