If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
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Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!