[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
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We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
The internet is full of many things
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.