Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
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Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point