So glad we cleared that up
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Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.