Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
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Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Me in tagged photos
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Breaking news:
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point