Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
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If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Mountain Goat : )
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn