I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
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I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.